Bangkok Dangerous hits theaters with a whimper

By Faheem Ahmed     9/18/08 7:00pm

Why . oh, good lord, why? What concoction of drugs and alcohol spurred me to watch this god-forsaken crapshoot of a movie? Alas, pre-Ike weekend was another long and sad one for the movies. Butt-crust cinema appears to be in full force, with Bangkok Dangerous claiming the number one spot at the box office. The new Nicolas Cage flick debuted with an opening total of $7.8 million, just barely beating out Tropic Thunder's total of $7.5 million. To put that into perspective, this was the worst weekend box office total in five years! In my opinion, the only thing worse than a movie starring Nicolas Cage is an action movie starring Nicolas Cage. He's only made one awesome movie in the action genre (The Rock), and since then, he has disappointed time and time again (Next, Gone in 60 Seconds and Ghost Rider come vividly to mind). Needless to say, my expectations were incredibly low when I entered the empty theater.

First of all, what the hell was up with his hair? His wig looked like it was made out of Bigfoot's ass crack. The movie should have been a documentary on how horrible Cage's mullet looked. I would have paid the same amount to see that. And as ugly as it was, I couldn't rip my eyes off of his extensions. In every scene, I would just stare at those greasy locks and fantasize about slicing them away with a pair of scissors.

In reality, Bangkok Dangerous introduces us to a hitman named Joe (oooh, such a badass name), who goes to Bangkok on an assignment to assassinate four people. He hires a pickpocket named Kong, played by Shahkrit Yamnarm (Bicycles & Radios), and befriends a beautiful mute girl (whose character is completely pointless) on his travels.

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Joe predictably takes Kong under his wing because he sees him as a younger version of himself. Kong awakens Joe's conscience by asking if the people he kills are actually bad people. Wow, really? It took him that long to feel some remorse for being a mindless killing machine for corrupt gangsters? The real drama begins when Joe is faced with the difficult decision of assassinating a popular politician, beloved by the local people.

Cage is absolutely horrible in this role. While a lot of the blame should be put on the poor script and direction by the Pang Brothers (The Messengers), Cage should have enough acting experience under his belt to give Joe some personality. He rarely alters his speech pattern and offers the audience no explanation for what motivates his decisions. I mean, the guy decided to become a hitman! There must be a really interesting story behind his choice. Most kids don't pick that profession on Career Day.

After walking out of the theater, I was even more shocked when I discovered that this movie was a remake of the Pang Brothers' same freaking movie from back in 1999. Not only was that film much more successful, but the hitman was deaf and mute! Now that is really original. Due to his disabilities, the hitman could never hear his victims plead for their lives and it made him a fearless, unflinching assassin. Wow. My advice is to skip this movie entirely and go to the local Blockbuster to rent the original.

Faheem Ahmed is a senior at Baker College.

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