Movies to look forward to...
The problem with Hollywood is that it's seasonal. Year after year, the summer season sizzles the box office with action flicks that titillate the eye, but not the heart (The Dark Knight is a lone exception). In the winter, movie executives release emotional dramas that make the audience weep and help the Oscar committee hand out golden statues. But what about the fall and spring? These periods are what I like to call the "butt crust" season, marked by all the movies that are bound for the $5 DVD aisle at Wal-Mart. These flicks feature actors who frequently appear on Lifetime, reveal their entire plots in one-minute trailers and cast Vin Diesel in the starring role.Unfortunately, we are currently knee-deep in these movies. Rather than fork over $10 for the horrific opportunity to sit through two hours of Anna Faris (Scary Movie series) in House Bunny or Vin Diesel in Babylon A.D. (a total rip-off of the stellar The Fifth Element), I have decided to preview of my top seven most anticipated films for the upcoming year.
1) Watchmen, helmed by visionary director Zack Snyder (300), takes the story of this groundbreaking graphic novel to the big screen. Comic enthusiasts have been looking forward to a movie adaptation for years, but only recent advances in computer graphic technology have made this possible. Watchmen takes place in an alternative 1985 universe where costumed vigilantism has been put to a stop due to government crackdown. When an ex-superhero is murdered, the retired heroes don their costumes and launch their own investigation. The trailer is enough to send goosebumps down your spine. Release date: March 6, 2009.
2) Terminator Salvation is the fourth installment of the classic Terminator series. After Skynet has destroyed much of the world in a nuclear holocaust, John Connor must lead the last vestiges of human civilization in a battle against the villainous machines. There has been a lot of skepticism about the film: This will be the first in the series without Arnold Schwarzenegger, and it is directed by Joseph "McG" McGinty Nichol, whose limited credits include the awful Charlie's Angels. What sends this movie into the "awesome" category is that it stars Christian Bale (The Dark Knight) as John Connor and that the script is penned by the legendary James Cameron (Aliens). Sounds fan-friggin-tastic! Release date: May 22, 2009.
3) Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is the sequel to the wildly popular Michael Bay cartoon reboot. Honestly, I would be okay with two hours of Megan Fox bending over a steaming car engine (admit it, you ladies loved that scene, too). While the battle for Earth has ended, the battle for the universe has just begun. Starscream assumes the leadership of the Decepticons and returns to Earth with a full arsenal. The Autobots, hoping for world peace, discover that Megatron's body has gone missing. Shia LaBeouf (Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull) returns as geeky Sam Witwicky, as does the aforementioned Megan Fox as . I don't remember, but who the hell cares; she's so hot. Release date: June 26, 2009.
4) Quantum of Solace brings burly and badass Daniel Craig (Casino Royale) back to the screen as James Bond. Seeking revenge for the death of his loved one (sorry, but that last half-hour of Casino Royale was completely superfluous and absurd), Bond tries to stop an environmentalist from seizing control of the world's water supply. While the film promises more action, more gadgets and more Bond girls, it also promises more plot and character development. I am extremely pleased with the choice of director Marc Forster, who is responsible for excellent films such as Kite Runner, Stranger than Fiction, Finding Neverland and Monster's Ball. Release date: Nov. 14, 2008.
5) Burn After Reading is directed by the Oscar-winning Coen brothers (Fargo, No Country for Old Men). When a computer disc storing the memoirs of an ex-CIA agent falls into the hands of two idiotic gym employees, they decide to sell it. This sounds hilarious already. But to top it off, the cast stars Brad Pitt (Fight Club), Frances McDormand (Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day), George Clooney (Michael Clayton), Tilda Swinton (The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian) and John Malkovich (Con Air). Release date: Sept. 12, 2008.
6) G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra. Holy shit. I'm not alone when I say that I've been waiting for this movie since I was five years old. The movie tells the story of an elite unit of special operatives and their quest to take down an evil organization headed by a notorious illegal arms dealer. It stars Channing Tatum (Step Up), Sienna Miller (Factory Girl), Dennis Quaid (Smart People) and - wait for it - Ray Park as Snake Eyes! Yeah, that dude who played Darth Maul, the only redeeming highlight of those crappy Star Wars flicks (please suck a nut, George Lucas). Release date: Aug. 7, 2009.
7) The Hobbit and Unnamed But Awesome Sequel technically don't have a release date or a concrete cast, but they're gonna be so sensationally phenomenal! The director of this prequel to The Lord of the Rings, the greatest cinematic trilogy of all time (Star Wars and Indiana Jones were ruined, but I am hopeful for the third Batman film), is imagination wizard Guillermo Del Toro (Pan's Labyrinth, Hellboy). Like a lot of fanboys, I was disappointed when Peter Jackson (The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers) was not given the reins, probably due to his public spout with New Line Cinema. Del Toro, however, with his knack for creative monsters (can't wait to see what he does with Smaug) and attention to vivid detail is an excellent substitute. In addition, Jackson and Fran Walsh (The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers) are signed on as the executive producers and writers, so it's the best of both worlds! Ian McKellan (Stardust) and Andy Serkis (The Prestige) have already promised to reprise their iconic roles of Gandalf and Gollum, while Del Toro and company are still searching for Bilbo Baggins. James McAvoy (Atonement), anyone? He is the perfect age, has the perfect accent and is in the perfect position in his career to take on this monumental role. I'm calling it right now. Release date: Dec. 2011 and 2012.
Other movies to look forward to are the new Wolverine movie, the Star Trek reboot and the new Harry Potter film. I know you're disappointed I didn't give you a glowing review of Babylon A.D. But hell, let me sum up the whole movie for you: Hey, I'm Vin Diesel. I look like a fat baby on steroids. I was awesome in The Pacifier when I babysat kids, but you didn't see it because you have a social life. I used to breakdance in the eighties; look me up on YouTube. EXPLOSION EXPLOSION. This movie sucks donkey butt. THE END. See, I just saved you ten bucks.
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