NFL season predictions: this is the ultimate showdown

By Dylan Farmer & Abbie Ryan     9/4/08 7:00pm

Dylan's Predictions

NFC EastI'm going to start with this one, because it's the easiest. What's the best team on the planet? The Dallas Cowboys. Who wins the division? The Dallas Cowboys. Who wins the Super Bowl? The Dallas Cowboys. Why do I think so? Because I'm a crazy homer fan who refuses to believe anything else. It's Page 2.5. I can say what I want.

The Giants, Redskins and Eagles round out the doghouse in no particular order. All I can say for sure is that Donovan McNabb hurts himself, Eli Manning chokes in the clutch, and the Redskins. I don't know - somehow (like every year) they manage to blow it without any discernable explanation.

---

---

NFC North

After realizing that the excitement of the Brett Farve summer teen reality show has already provided the peak of fan interest in this division for the year, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell decides that the contests between these four teams should include live mascots along with the paid athletes. Despite initial protests by the players' union, popular support eventually sides with the commish, because nobody in his right mind would turn down a chance to bring back some intense gladiator-style combat.

Unfortunately, the NFL has had enough PETA problems in recent years, so the teams with non-human mascots are forced to compromise. In the first Detroit-Chicago game, the Cowardly Lion is completely overwhelmed by a tag-team squad of Berenstain and Care Bears, with a steroid-abusing Smokey providing late-game relief.

In the end, the Viking wins.

NFC West

When I was a kid, I managed to acquire a box of juice bottle caps dating from the 1970s. Each cap displayed the name and logo of a particular team in the NFL at the time, and they had belonged to my uncle when he was a kid. Most of them were in perfect condition, including the priceless Dallas Cowboys cap, but a few of the others had been defaced to varying degrees so my uncle could express his true feelings for the represented team. The logo for the San Francisco '49ers, for example, had been furiously scratched out, and "CHEATERS" had been scrawled under it in caps. Since the day I found it, I've hated the '49ers.

Anyway, I still hate them fervently today, and that hate is going to express itself when I talk about the NFC West. Who finishes last? The '49ers. There. I'm done.

Now, I'm not going to lie - this division in pretty terrible. Since St. Louis is pretty terrible at passing, running, kicking, and playing defense, Seattle wins by default. Also, the Hollywood celebrities hoping to see a Matt Leinart breakout year demand season-ticket refunds from Arizona, thus throwing the Cardinals into a financial crisis and effectively ending them as a franchise. Wow, that hurts.

AFC South

It's the same storyline every year. Will the Jags overtake the Colts and claim the division title? Will Vince Young turn into an awesome NFL quarterback and take the Titans to the playoffs? Will the Texans win more than seven games? I'll take choice e) No to all of the above. Peyton Manning is invincible, the Texans aren't, and I still remember Vince's single-digit Wonderlic score before his rookie season. The Jags have a chance only if Maurice Jones-Drew lights up Shawne Merriman one more time, but no matter what, they do get the wild-card, though.

AFC East

First things first: Patriots coach Bill Belichick opens the season by staging a coup and assuming de facto power in the commissioner's office. His first mandate? All coaches must wear sleeveless sweatshirts.

Also, Brett Farve's first few weeks in New York seem promising, and he plays with a renewed spirit. Eventually, though, the Madden curse he thought he escaped by wearing a new jersey catches up to him, and he ages mysteriously quickly. Midway though the season, with a long, white beard and cane in hand, he sadly but definitively announces his retirement. See you next year, Brett!

In Buffalo, it snows a lot.

In Miami, Bill Parcells restrains himself until Week 8, when he dives from the owner's box down to the field, avoids security and referees with some shifty moves, and strangles terrible awful struggling quarterback Chad Pennington. This could be the end of the Tuna.

AFC North

So you know those bottle caps I was talking about earlier, and how I mentioned that some of them were defaced? Yeah, well, the Pittsburgh one was literally broken in half. I hate them, too; therefore, last place.

Baltimore opens its season well, rattling off three or four-straight wins, but everything falls apart when Ray Lewis takes the "shotgun" formation sign seriously and tries to shoot someone during a game.

Cleveland. Poor Cleveland. I'm rooting for Brady Quinn to get off the bench, at least.

Cincinnati wins by default?

AFC West

Ever wondered what would happen if your five-year-old's pee-wee team faced off against an actual NFL team? To see the experiment play out on national television, tune in to any Chargers divisional match up!

To make things fair, the commissioner's office decides that LaDanian Tomlinson should start the season with a minus-10 touchdown handicap, which, of course, makes no difference to Tomlinson. Seriously, his helmet visor makes him look like a stormtrooper. Anyway, as the season marches on, each other team tries a different tactic to attempt to get back in the divisional race. The Broncos bring back a wheelchair-ridden John Elway, whose oxygen mask provides the boost he needs to make a triumphant return in mile-high Denver; the Raiders' front office finally decides to suit up the gun-toting, armor-wearing, pike-wielding crazy fans from the font row; and the Chiefs. hand the ball to Larry Johnson 60 times a game?

NFC South

I liked Tampa Bay better when they had Warren Sapp for entertainment. Now they have Jeff Garcia, and that guy is like 50 years old. In the middle of October, his arm falls off, and (great news!) Texas alum Chris Simms takes over! Curiously, the Bucs fall to last place soon after Simms joins the starting lineup.

Carolina realizes midway through the season that they've been beating the dead Jake Delhomme-Steve Smith-Julius Peppers horse for like a million years now. Time for a makeover!

As part of an extended apologetic effort, Atlanta offers to do "whatever PETA wants to make things right." PETA demands that Falcon players wear blindfolds and use seeing-eye dogs for all of their games. Needless to say, the Falcons don't make it very far.

I don't have any jokes for the Saints. They'll win the division.

Abbie's Predictions

[I had a long intro, but Dylan deleted it for space reasons. He also deleted some teams because he needed more ad space.] So, without further ado or preamble, here are my picks for the 2008 NFL season and my legitimate reasons for choosing them.

Baltimore Ravens - 10-6

They won a Superbowl once. I totally remember that. Or maybe they just played in one. I don't know; they were good when I was like 13.

Cincinnati Bengals - 12-4

I think 'Ocho Cinco' is the best nickname last name ever.

Cleveland Browns - 13-3

I freakin' love Ohio and have lots of family there and will always root for the Ohio teams (unless they're playing Pittsburgh) and I'm pretty sure no team in Ohio has won anything in a long time (YOU'RE KILLING ME, OSU) so I'm thinking they're due for a good season.

Pittsburgh Steelers - 16-0

My dad was born in Pittsburgh.

Houston Texans - 3-13

I think it may take another 83 years or so for the combined Reggie Bush-Vince Young curse to wear off.

Indianapolis Colts - 14-2

Peyton does those funny commercials. I just love him.

Jacksonville Jaguars - 5-11

I don't even know where Jacksonville is. Tennessee, maybe? Do they even have jaguars in Tennessee? Oh snap. Just Wikipedia'd Jacksonville: apparently it's in Florida. Who knew? Whatev I bet they'll suck anyway.

Tennessee Titans - 12-4

I really like Classical Studies and so I like the name 'Titans.' Yes this is really how I am making these picks.

Buffalo Bills - 0-16

This is my least favorite mascot of all time.

Miami Dolphins - 2-14

Second on 'list of things that offend Abbie' right after mascot choice is uniform color choice. Orange and light green?? Really??

New England Patriots -15-1

Haha I bet they blow it again.

New York Jets - 3-13

Brett Favre is a whiny bitch who still can't win in primetime, in Texas Stadium, or in any year not called 1997. GIVE IT UP, MAN. YOU ARE TOO OLD.

Chicago Bears - 12-4

Da Bearrrs. I always liked those sketches on SNL. And I'd really like for the SuperBowl shuffle to make a comeback. It's not any weirder looking than the cupid shuffle.

Detroit Lions - 8-8

When I turned 8 my mom took me to a Rangers baseball game against the Detroit Tigers. I got on the JumboTron at that game and have had pretty fond memories of Detroit ever since.

Green Bay Packers - 6-10

I've heard stories of what people do when the Packers lose. Wisconsin sounds like a sad, sad place.

Minnesota Vikings - 11-5

I'm Norwegian so clearly I've gotta root for the Vikings.

Atlanta Falcons - 7-9

Unless dogs are allowed. Give them 5 more wins then.

Carolina Panthers - 6-10

Now I know there aren't Panthers in Carolina. That's just stupid.

New Orleans Saints - 11-5

I just feel bad for them.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers - 1-15

Next to the "Bills" this is my least favorite mascot of them all. I think the whole pirate thing is just sooo overdone. I mean, props for not going with an animal I guess but a Buccaneer is what you call a four year old at a birthday party. Not a 300lb lineman.

Dallas Cowboys - 14-2

And they will still find a way to screw it all up in the first round of the playoffs. Damn you, Jessica Simpson!!

New York Giants - 15-1

Eli Manning is absolutely precious. And he gets to make those funny commercials with Peyton now. Too cute.

Washington Redskins - 0-16

I live with a Redskins fan. And I swear if I have to hear "Hail to the Redskins" even ONCE this semester, very bad things will happen.

San Fransisco 49ers - 10-6

Props on picking a number as a mascot.

---