Commentary: Down-under ex-editor finds new Aussie sport

By Casey Michel     10/30/08 7:00pm

Is it any wonder that Australian Rules Football shares nearly all distinct traits with a kangaroo? I'm not talking about gnawing on grass or disemboweling opponents - although I suppose that would up the ante. No, I'm talking about the basics: the kicking, the punching, the bouncing; you know, all the stuff people love about kangaroos.

Ah, wait - you're probably like me and have no idea what Australian Rules Football even is. Before I katalogue the kangaroo komparisons, let's set up Aussie Rules' situation. Carrying the same weight in Australia that basketball, tennis or four-square carry back home, Aussie Rules has a professional league and more fans than Soulja Boy. Granted, the sport can't hold a candle to rock- 'em, sock-'em mainland rugby, but from the southern swath to the Tasmanian hinterlands, Aussie Rules is the game to play.

And boy, what a game it is.

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Unlike most, I actually had an inkling of what the game entailed before I became an expatriate myself. My internship last summer gave me a glimpse into the underground world of the Portland Power, a local Aussie Rules club. The vague, over-the-phone hints of funky pigskins and marsupial mannerisms left me intrigued, but the opportunity to cover a game never came. So when I learned that I could attend an Aussie Rules game in Sydney, I chomped at the bit, eager to abandon the awkward platypuses for a chance to watch this mysterious game.

Fortunately, my first opportunity to watch a match arose early on, and with great anticipation I strode into the Sydney Cricket Grounds last month. As the stadium opened up, I saw that the emerald field was a sprawling over sized circle of grass, filled with 18 players a side. It was truly unlike any field I had ever seen: The turf was pinched on either side by eight multi-story posts, looking like hair-picks in a giant green afro, and random lines of chalk zigzagged across the pitch.

But it wasn't the unique shape of pitch that captured my attention, nor was it the scarf-wearing, beanie-bearing crowd, whose lone cheer consisted, sadly, of "Syd-ney, Syd-ney, Syd-ney.."

No, what caught my eye was exactly what I had set out to see: the game.

Wielding the rounded, overly-inflated football, the ref began the match with the least traditional jump-ball I'd ever seen, ricocheting the pigskin off the ground and into the air for the "ruckmen" to snag.

And thus, I began watching my first game of Aussie Rules Football.

Now, let's get back to that kwerky kangaroo konnection. Unlike in rugby or gridiron, throwing isn't allowed in Aussie Rules, so the players are instead forced to emulate their favorite bounding beasts. The most common types of passing between teammates are punching or kicking - which just so happen to be two styles of martial arts that kangaroos are usually known for. Furthermore, if the ball-carrier is forced to take more than an allotted amount of steps, he must resort to the kangaroos' means of transport: bouncing - the ball, that is.

Still, just like Shawne Merriman's knee, the game has some kinks to work out. Not only could no one tell me exactly how much time was in a quarter - ranging from 28-32 minutes, it's apparently at the timekeeper's discretion - but throughout the match, these random, irritating little men decided to interrupt the action at the most inopportune times. It turned out these roly-polies were actually the trainers and waterboys, distributing drinks and medical tape and all looking about seven feet shorter than the athletes.

Aside from those annoying little people - somehow, only two got flattened during the action - the aspects of soccer, basketball and marsupial all blended to create a free-flowing, highly-physical spectacle that, by the game's close, brought me to my feet. From the booming, no-look kicks to Sydney's main enforcer throwing his weight (and elbows) around - seriously, I wouldn't be surprised if this dude was the inspiration for Ed Norton in American History X - the entire three-hour contest was remarkable.

I left the stadium brimming with the knowledge that I just found a new sport to appreciate, explore and write about.

It may sound blasphemous, but it could be argued that Australia rules football.

Oh, one last kangaroo korrelation: Just because it goes well with 'roo steak, barbecue sauce doesn't make an Aussie Rules pigskin taste any better. Still pretty gross, actually.

Casey Michel is a Brown College junior and former sports editor.

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