Faheem's Year in Review

By Faheem Ahmed     5/14/09 7:00pm

After sifting through piles of homework, pesky presentations and dreaded finals, the only thing keeping me motivated is the promise of fresh non-Houston summer air and the badass blockbuster movies that come with it. But seeing as our 2008-'09 academic year is finally coming to a close, I think it is most appropriate to take a look back at the movies released this past year, from the films that were visually stunning and emotionally compelling to the films that should have been thrown into the mouth of Mount Doom.

Best Action: Taken

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Taken is a purebred action movie fashioned after traditional classics like the Die Hard franchise and everything with Arnold Schwarzenegger in it. In other words, the film has very little plot depth, but is injected with high-adrenaline, heart-stopªping fight sequences from start to finish. Liam Neeson stars as ex-CIA agent Bryan Mills, whose daughter gets abducted by sex traffickers in Paris, leaving him only a 90-hour window to find her. In summary, Neeson spends the remainder of the film on a rampage throughout Europe, crushing bones, dislocating shoulders and beating the crap out of everyone and everything that stands in his path. 4/5 stars

Worst Action: Crank 2: High Voltage

The only reason I was excited about this movie was because the critically-acclaimed original Crank was so entertaining, fun and absolutely ludicrous. The movie blew away conventional story-telling techniques and pretty much ignored all rational thought. The sequel, starring Jason Statham (playing Jason Statham as usual), picks up right where the first flick left off. After the first 30 minutes, howªever, the movie becomes weirdly psychedelic and makes absolutely no sense, subjecting the loyal audience to horribly disjointed sequences without any explanation. Crank 2 completely fizzles out by the end, leaving me with a terrible taste in my mouth and wondering why I didn't download a bootleg copy off of the Internet. 1/5 stars

Best Horror: My Bloody Valentine 3-D

First of all, the actual 3-D glassªes don't look dorky at all and fit quite comfortably. From the second the opening credits rolled across inches from my face, I was completely captivated. Bleeding hearts, gouged eyeballs, splattered guts and flying pickaxes soar into the audience, much to our horror and delight. Despite the fact My Bloody Valentine essentially uses 3-D as a gimmick to startle us, it completely immerses the viewer into the film and makes them feel part of the action. 4/5 stars

Worst Horror: The Unborn

The only thing they got right about this movie was its title, because after a single viewing, I wish it would just crawl back into its cinematic womb and die. It really should be re-released as a comedy because it has plenty of hilarious moments: A 'roided-out jock who thinks he is a philosopher, Gary Oldman as an animal horn-blowing rabbi and of course, glory holes all make this movie a steaming pile of, well, you know what. 1/5 stars

Best Comedy: I Love You, Man

This movie wins out of default, due to the fact that this year had seriously weak comedies. I Love You, Man, to its credit, has a lot of memorable dialogue ("Slappin the bass, man!"), outrageously gross scenes (projectile vomit comes to mind) and a couple of outstanding performances by supporting characters such as the heart-achingly beautiful Rashida Jones and Jon Favreau, the director of Iron Man. 3.5/5 stars

Worst Comedy: Knowing

Yeah okay, this is technically a sci-fi action thriller, but you could've fooled me. Nicolas Cage continues his craptastic film rampage, where he destroys the character he portrays while continuing to sport hilarious hair-do's. Knowing has plenty of funny moments, but then you remember that this isn't supposed to be a comedy. 1/5 stars

Best Drama: Slumdog Millionaire

Jai Hooo! How could I not give this movie my endless love? It's the year of the Indian, baby! The ending dance sequence catapulted me onto the Red Carpet where I personally got to meet the Oscar-sweeping cast and director. The film spans the timeless emotions of hate, love and fate, while analyzing the mysteries of life. Also, the movie stars my future wife, Freida Pinto. 4.5/5 stars

Worst Drama: Bangkok Dangerous

Again, I'm placing a terrible Nicolas Cage movie in a category that most people might not agree with. But if you actually took two hours out of your day (which I don't recommend) to watch this cinematic failure, then you will find your experience incredibly depressing, just like most dramas that come out these days. 1/5 stars

Star Trek Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen Inglourious Basterds Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

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