Dear Denver: Advice on Poaching, The Man

By Denver Greene     10/22/09 7:00pm

Dear Denver,

My roommate and I are both in love with the same girl. Unfortunately, she's in love with somebody else entirely. Yes, I am using the term "love" pretty loosely -we are in lust, I guess. First, how do my roommate and I woo her from the third guy in a cooperative fashion, and how do I was in the ensuing battle against my roomie? She still flirts with us, by the way. I think it's for the practice. -Double Duncan

Dear Double Duncan,

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You are in an impossible situation, and should just give up now. If you haven't gotten her yet, then your chances are pretty low. Your best bet is to forget about her, get yourself a physical and mental makeover, and then find a new girl. If after all of this you find you still want this girl, then you could try to go after her again, but the change from the old you to the new you has to be so drastic that she will not recognize you; try a pair of mustache glasses, for instance.

But don't lose hope - there is still a chance.Usually when you are trying to win a girl over, a roommate would be an ideal wingman, but that requires him to forgo his shot with your target. The situation you described requires a third, unbiased, uninterested party.

The surest way to get the girl is to show greater value than the guy she currently likes. This means you have to be some combination of looks, interest, humor, wealth, well-rounded "coolness" and numerous other aspects. You probably will not be able to one-up him at everything, but you should at least appear to have higher value in most areas.

Or rather than just pretending to be better, how about just improving yourself? Get off the computer and go check out that fantastic new Rec Center. Take an LPAP that will teach you how to dance like Ricky Martin. Work with a friend about how you speak and tell stories. Look at some magazines for the latest fashion trends and learn how to dress. Get a haircut and put some effort into how you look. Learn what works and what doesn't.

The emphasis is on self-improvement. You could trash talk the other guy in front of her, or embarrass him by putting pasteurized liver in his toothpaste tube or cutting off the sole of one shoe so that he limps slightly when he walks, but that shouldn't be what you're aiming for. By working on self-improvement, you are more likely to increase your chances with this girl in the long run, and with other girls in the future.

Dear Denver,

What should I do if I'm in a situation where my boss is constantly making sexual innuendos around me? This type of behavior makes me uncomfortable and although I'm usually very open about things that bother me, this is my boss. I don't want to do anything that could jeopardize my job. Please help!

-Uncomfortable Underling

Dear Uncomfortable Underling,

Well, you've really got yourself into it this time. Why on earth would you work at a place with a creeper for a boss? Simply quit, and then you don't have to worry about anything. I am sure with your skill set of not being able to take a joke and being too scared to approach your superiors there must be plenty of job opportunities out there. If you insist on staying at the same job, though, I guess there are some things you could try.

The first thing you should do is talk to your co-workers and see if anyone else has the same uncomfortable feelings. If your boss is making everyone feel this way and it is a problem, you should get everyone to talk about it. If you are scared to talk to your boss, you could write a letter and get others who feel uncomfortable to sign. Another good way to get someone to stop doing something you don't like is to go to their boss and complain. And if that doesn't work, go to their boss's boss, and so forth. If your boss is the type to make sexual innuendos then I wouldn't suggest barging into his or her office and complaining, or else you might end up with a pink slip.

Alternatively, might I suggest doing the complete opposite: Start making innuendos of your own and flirting with your boss. If you can work your way into your boss's heart - and possibly pants - then you can definitely find your way into his or her wallet. There is no better job security than sleeping with your boss. And if your boss fires you, you could always blackmail him or her. Be sure to record any activities that take place and post them all over YouTube. That way you have nothing to worry about.

Denver Greene is a Brown College senior and neither a professional nor responsible for anything stupid that you do. Please submit questions by email tothresher@rice.eduor by going towww.brown.rice.edu/deardenver.

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