Dear Denver: Friendship circles and the dreaded LDR

By Denver Greene     11/12/09 6:00pm

Dear Denver, I am an upperclassman trying to make new friends at other colleges. This is harder than it sounds, because apparently other upperclassmen are settled into their current friends and not looking for any new ones. Do you have any suggestions on how to increase my friend circle, or join another one, while feeling like a full member?

-Branching Beyond

Dear Branching Beyond,

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It is nearly impossible to join another circle while feeling like a full member. As people get older it becomes more difficult, and less desirable, to meet new people; this is why my grandparents never leave their house.

Once most people have a group of friends, they don't often feel the need to go out and make more. Many people are perfectly happy having their own personal social circle. But there are a few people out there who always want to make new friends. They are the most extroverted people, but they also have the fewest close friends. The key is to find those people and become friends with them and the people they know.

To be the most satisfied with your social circles, you must actually get to know people, rather than just having a few shallow conversations with them. If you have a good, deep, moving conversation with someone, they will begin to resemble a real friend who can, in turn, introduce you to other friends. If you don't take time to get to know people on a deeper level, then you might be able to recognize everyone walking by, but no one will really know you and you won't grow your friend circles in the way you want to.

Finally, if you want to meet people from other colleges, then get the heck out of your college. There are a ridiculous number of clubs on campus that you can join in order to meet new people from around campus. Don't think there are only freshmen in these clubs - someone has to run them, after all. If you just join a random table full of strangers for a meal, everyone there will feel awkward and weirded out. In a club, though, you'll always have something in common to discuss.

Dear Denver,

My boyfriend lives in New York, and I live in Houston. How do I keep a strong relationship and allow myself to trust that he's not cheating on me?

-Sad Southerner

Dear Sad Southerner,

Break up. Every time I hear a group on campus talk about long distance relationships they always say the best possible situation is to break up. They can't all be wrong, can they?

Now, I have seen a few long distance relationships work out, but they are the exception, not the rule. Most of the long distance relationships that work out end up with the couples living in the same city after a year or so. If your boyfriend is going to migrate to Houston or you're planning on flying away to New York you might give it a chance, but if you are going to continue being separated then you should seriously consider ending it now.

Either you trust him or you don't. If you haven't built enough trust before the relationship became long distance, then you are going to have a lot of trouble gaining trust now. If you're asking how to acquire more trust, I think it's safe to say you don't possess an overwhelming amount at present. There is no way for you to know if he is lying to you or not. Period.

Okay, so that may be a bit hyperbolic. One option is to secretly implant a microchip into his heart that will wirelessly inform you whenever he has a raised heart rate, then force him to video chat with you so you can see if he is doing dirty deeds with Daisy Duke or simply getting some exercise.

The second unnecessary, impractical option is to pay to have him watched. Hire a private investigator to run around and record his every move. If he so much as even looks at another girl then you can break up with him.

That being said, if you can't afford either of those options, I know plenty of cute guys in Houston who would like to be your friend. I hear one of them even writes an advice column.

Denver Greene, a Brown College senior, is not a professional and is not responsible for anything stupid that you do. Please submit questions by email to thresher@rice.edu or by going to www.brown.rice.edu/deardenver.

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