Love ain’t so simple

By Rice Editorial Staff     4/15/14 3:59pm

I grew up inundated in a world that built up my hope for “the One” — my idealized, perfect life partner — story by story, through every personal anecdote, movie, Jane Austen novel, fairy tale and happily ever after. 

I grew up inundated in a world that built up my hope for “the One” — my idealized, perfect life partner — story by story, through every personal anecdote, movie, Jane Austen novel, fairy tale and happily ever after. This beautiful yet disastrous idea was so easy to latch onto and nearly impossible to let go, even as I went through different experiences that challenged these notions, and it filled me with dreams and this warm feeling that burned like a resilient light as I wondered who this person might be, what he would be like, when I would finally meet him — a phenomenon I call hope.

Though it happened but a few times, every time I thought I might’ve finally found the One, that elusive One, the person who fit like a puzzle piece who couldn’t have been a coincidence, I would eventually discover how wrong I was. Sometimes it was due to a simple misunderstanding, sometimes I realized I had fallen in love with the idea of the person and sometimes we just didn’t want the same things, and those things matter.

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But those were the kind of endings that I could rationally reconcile with anyway. What I really couldn’t wrap my head around were those endings that just didn’t make sense to me, when what seemed like exceptional connections were weighed down by logistics and reality and timing and stress until they eventually broke everything else –– the ending to the kind of connection that had seemed like it would have thrived, growing as it overflowed onto my life, making everything else in it even more beautiful.

Because that’s how it was supposed to work. When you find that person — the missing answer — nothing else matters. Life is unpredictable, but if there’s even a chance he’s the One, you can weather anything together: distance, time, the bumps that come with reality or being perfectly imperfect humans, and even more, that’s what you want to do. That’s how you know. And I wholeheartedly believed it. I mean, what else is there? The problem was that this understanding of reality left me frustrated when my efforts just weren’t enough.

I felt this way until I stumbled upon some perspective. I was talking with a friend about relationships and the future when she said, “They always tell you, ‘don’t let yourself stay stuck in a bad relationship.’” Yeah, and we also learned that when we were 16 years old. Self care, self love, people. But then she continued: “But don’t let yourself stay stuck in a good relationship, either.”

My immediate thoughts: What the hell does that even mean? I didn’t understand it (read: She’s wrong), so I asked for an explanation.

And then she said something that became my missing puzzle piece — something that made everything else make sense, and something that strangely brought me comfort: “I’ve always been curious about how people find the person they spend 30, 40 years with and will probably spend the rest of their lives with, friends and spouses for better or worse. And funny enough, these couples tell me that they’d been in a number of really good relationships. But in the end, the person they ultimately settled down with, and are still with today, was simply the person they were in one of those good relationships with at a time when both of them were ready for the next step.”

It was so simple, and it seemed obvious, but suddenly, I had clarity. Realistically speaking, there’s a 99 percent chance she’s my fairy godmother.

Sometimes, we feel invincible. We can achieve anything, the things we care about, the things we put our minds to and work hard for: We can overcome the odds. And I’m sure sometimes we can. But I also think that’s just luck. The most fundamental necessities for a relationship to work are about more than simply being really good for each other or love — that’s just the beginning. What we really need are the very things I try my hardest to underestimate sometimes: It’s about being in the same place — emotionally, mentally, physically, logistically. Not to trivialize successful love down to a formula, but most of the time, timing and logistics matter, especially when we don’t think they should. This reality is something that can still be unsettling, as the Darcy-loving romantic inside me has a tough time releasing its iron grip on the alluring yet storybook concept of the One Great Love it dreamed about for 20 years, but this is a journey I’m glad to finally be on.

Sometimes good things must come to an end, and that’s okay. As young adults, we’re in a time full of change, and a time when we should be making decisions for ourselves, whether it’s about our college experiences, graduate school, travelling or our first jobs. With time, our love lives will work themselves out. Don’t get stuck in a good relationship –– we shouldn’t compromise ourselves for them. Because no matter where our personal decisions take us, we’ll find the right person; the concept of One Great Love is an over-idealization both created and encouraged by anecdotes and movies. We can’t pull a Ted Mosby and leave New York because we think She isn’t there: When we’re ready, she’ll be the one. 

 

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