Venturing into residential college vending

By Thomas Pickell     10/1/24 10:54pm

Late-night snackers might wander unaware of the hidden gems (or absolute duds) lurking throughout their colleges. Fear not, for today, we unveil the winners of the ultimate automated snacking showdown.

Each college has been graded based on the quality, accessibility, and overall ‘snackability’ of its vending machines. So pull out your spare change for this report card of culinary convenience.

D Tier:

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Jones College

Jones, the enigmatic realm of the neglected vending machine. With a solitary snack machine tucked away in a dimly lit corner, this machine often elicits thoughts of an abandoned college — seriously, is anyone home? With offerings that make a cardboard box seem gourmet, I’m giving it a D- for sheer existential dread.

Will Rice College

A single drink machine that looks like it’s seen better days (in another decade) greets you in Will Rice’s old dorm. The syrup and water have separated like an awkward couple at Perch. With a complete lack of snacks, it earns a well-deserved D-.

Sid Richardson College

Despite its shiny exterior, it’s a cruel joke, offering only Coke Zero and KIND bars. And to top it off, no cash? That’s just cruel. D it is.

C Tier:

Baker College

Occupying C tier, Baker has a pair of machines locked away behind security that could rival Fort Knox. While the snack machine is functional, the drink machine is about as active as the dance floor at Baker Christmas. Gatekeeping snacks, yet still managing to disappoint, earns Baker a C-.

Martel College

In a similar case to Baker, Martel’s machines are tucked away in their swipe-protected laundry room. Though they seemed nice, I couldn’t access these machines. So while I can’t definitively mock them, I can at least stick them in the middling C tier.

B Tier:

Lovett College

With vending machines that practically wave hello as you enter, Lovett scores high for accessibility. Both machines are usually stocked and functional, making it a prime choice for those late-night cravings. It’s a dependable B.

Duncan College

Duncan’s vending machines have the potential to shine, provided they feel like cooperating. The snack machine is like a reliable friend, but the drink machine? It has commitment issues — breaking down more often than a Rice student before their MATH 102 exam. Still, we’ll give Duncan a B for its efforts.

Hanszen College

Hanszen strides into the B tier as a reliable all-rounder. It’s conveniently located and boasts functional machines, so it’s a solid stop for a quick bite. Just be aware of the card reader — it’s often out of service. B+ for effort.

A Tier:

SAFE Office 

The SAFE office gets an honorable mention for its innovative condom-vending machine, proving that no time is too late for protected sex. A for utility but C for condoms.

McMurtry College

McMurtry is home to the only vending machine where you can score spaghetti at midnight! While it might seem extra when the servery is in sight, this unique offering is a nourishing lifeline for the nocturnal snackers — an A for originality (and carbs).

Wiess  College

The Wiessmen keep their vending machines tucked away like a well-guarded secret, but they’re worth seeking out. They’ve earned a well-deserved A- with two functional and well-stocked machines accepting cash and cards. Just keep this gem under wraps — I wouldn’t want the secret getting out. 

Brown College

Rounding off this list, Brown holds a solid spot in A tier as the college with the best of all worlds. Reliably functional and modern machines are right by the doors, waiting to satiate your late-night cravings. They’re just lucky I didn’t dock them for being located 4 miles off campus.

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