An open letter to candidate Mitt Romney

Congratulations, former Governor Romney. After flirting with a man whose name shall remain un-Googled, your party has decided to settle down with a candidate whose own press secretary compared to an Etch A Sketch, ready to "shake up and restart all over again" to appeal to voters outside the Fox News universe. You may not have secured the majority of delegates, but your remaining primary opponents are a gadfly with ideas plucked straight from science fiction - and Newt Gingrich. The nomination is yours. Send your unaffiliated Super PAC an anonymous thank-you note. After six years in beta testing and a quick deletion of your health care file, you only need one more reboot for the general election. Before you trigger the political reset button, we respectfully offer our advice on how to re-program yourself to swoop up persuadable Rice Owl voters.