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Faheem Ahmed

NEWS 5/14/09 7:00pm

Faheem's Year in Review

By Faheem Ahmed

After sifting through piles of homework, pesky presentations and dreaded finals, the only thing keeping me motivated is the promise of fresh non-Houston summer air and the badass blockbuster movies that come with it. But seeing as our 2008-'09 academic year is finally coming to a close, I think it is most appropriate to take a look back at the movies released this past year, from the films that were visually stunning and emotionally compelling to the films that should have been thrown into the mouth of Mount Doom.

NEWS 4/16/09 7:00pm

Online Only: Fast and Furious Review

By Faheem Ahmed

Fast and Furious is the fourth film in this redundant franchise about car racing and stealing. I don't know what marketing genius came up with this horrendous title, but I'm sure they saved a lot of money on all the unsold toy cars and merchandise collecting dust in a warehouse. Who is going to notice a couple of measly "the"'s missing?Just like they recycled the title, director Justin Lin (The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift) and screenwriter Chris Morgan pretty much recycled the entire plot from the franchise's opening salvo. The film reunites the original four characters: the 'roided-out muscle-head Vin Diesel (Babylon A.D.), washed-up boy scout Paul Walker (Flags of Our Fathers), Michelle Rodriguez (S.W.A.T.), and hottie Jordana Brewster (Chuck). Heading back to the gritty streets of L.A., excon Diesel and agent Walker must put their former feud behind them when confronted with a mutual enemy, a drug lord named Braga. They have to depend on this new and uncertain relationship in order to take down the drug lord.

NEWS 4/9/09 7:00pm

I Love You, Man: Best bromance ever

By Faheem Ahmed

The 21st century has ushered in many things: iPhone, text messaging, blogs and ... bromantic comedies? This new genre has been spearheaded by comedic guru Judd Apatow, who has brought us a slew of smart and funny films with a dash of love such as The 40-Year-Old Virgin and Knocked Up. Apatow has also made stars such as Paul Rudd (Role Models), Seth Rogen (Superbad) and Jason Segel (Forgetting Sarah Marshall) household comedic names.But when Apatow is not involved in that comedic vein, it can show. Such is the case of I Love You, Man.

NEWS 3/26/09 7:00pm

Knowing Review

By Faheem Ahmed

If given the opportunity to sit in the DeLorean from Back to the Future, I wouldn't go back in time to bet a million dollars on the Giants winning the Super Bowl, and I wouldn't tell my dad to invest stock in Google. Heck, I wouldn't even warn people about impending national disasters. What I would do is gun that baby to 88 mph to the year 1996 and assassinate Nicholas Cage. Why 1996, you ask? That was the year The Rock was released, the last decent movie ever made by the over-the-hill loser. Since then, Cage has unleashed a torrent of crappy films, ruining comic book franchises (Ghost Rider), forcing us to acknowledge horrible hairstyles (Con-Air, Bangkok Dangerous ... dude, you're bald, get over it) and worst of all, making hot women look like coked-out hookers (Angelina Jolie in Gone in 60 Seconds). It's been thirteen years, dammit! Enough is enough, Cage. Either you retire from acting, or I call a national boycott on your garbage movies.Seriously, America. When will you learn? Knowing actually was No. 1 in the box office this past weekend, raking in over $24 million. The only thing I know about Knowing is that it sucked. That's my entire review. I wasted $8.50 - thank you, student discount - and almost two hours watching this steaming pile of crap that vaguely resembled cinema. But believe it or not, the first twenty minutes of the movie really was not that bad.

NEWS 3/19/09 7:00pm

The Last House on the Left Review

By Faheem Ahmed

Since when did Hollywood movies start having such crappy titles? There is actually a Channing Tatum film coming out in a couple of months named Fighting. Really? That's the only thing you million-dollar professionals could think of? Hmm, I wonder what that movie is about. The Last House on the Left, on the other hand, can be given some slack because it kept the title of the Wes Craven (A Nightmare on Elm Street series) original that made him one of the greatest horror geniuses of our generation.I fully expected yet another hackneyed suspense remake that had stripped away all semblance of creativity and wit from the original. Fortunately, I was mistaken, and The Last House on the Left was extremely entertaining. The film did not misguide the audience or have any self-delusions of grandeur. It delivers exactly what it promises: an hour and a half of non-stop action, brutal kills and sadistic torture. Sounds like the perfect first date movie, right?

NEWS 3/12/09 7:00pm

Under the hood with Watchmen

By Faheem Ahmed

Oscar for "Best Trailer," then director Zack Snyder would have a couple of gleaming trophies sitting on his mantle. Back in the 1960s and 1970s, trailers used to be four minutes long, voiced over by a dude who sounded like he had emphysema and summarized the entire plot of the film.Enter the recently deceased Don LaFontaine: Using his deep iconic voice, LaFontaine single-handedly revolutionized the trailer concept. Since then trailers have become much tighter, featuring quick, exciting montages and samples of some of the best scenes from the film in an effort to garner audience interest. Snyder has absolutely perfected this method.

NEWS 2/19/09 6:00pm

Friday the 13th underwhelms

By Faheem Ahmed

Mid-February is a special time dedicated to romance: setting up candlelit dinners, frolicking under the covers with a loved one, gorging upon chocolate delicacies and, of course, watching a group of horny teenagers get hacked to death by a sociopath. Don't you just love Valentine's Day?The past three years in Hollywood should be anointed the "Age of Remakes and Sequels". After the successful reboot of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre back in 2004, which was only successful in my eyes due to 80 minutes of Jessica Biel in tight jean shorts, director Marcus Nispel resurrected another iconic horror franchise: Friday the 13th. This film marks the twelfth movie featuring the hockey mask-wearing, machete-wielding Jason Vorhees. Were any of its prequels remotely good? No. Each successive film in this series has been crappier than the one before, culminating with 2001's Jason X, a sublime epitome of craptastic comedy that centered on Jason being cryogenically-frozen and sent to the future. Would Nispel's new Jason flick bring a much-needed breath of fresh air to this stale franchise? Sorta.

NEWS 2/12/09 6:00pm

Creepin' with Coraline

By Faheem Ahmed

Remember Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas? That stop-motion animated movie that your parents mistakenly took you to as a child, thinking it was just another Disney cartoon before realizing way too late, after seeing images of hurled skulls and burning bodies, that the movie might be too twisted for a little kid?While Coraline might not be as visually gruesome, it's in the same vein. Marketed as a children's fairy tale gone wrong and awarded a PG rating (I'd like to disagree), this film is surprisingly adult and definitely way too creepy for the average six-year-old.

NEWS 2/5/09 6:00pm

The Wrestler flies high

By Faheem Ahmed

Remember the good old days of Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage? Throughout the early '90s, the World Wrestling Federation reigned supreme on late night television, with soap opera plot lines and absolutely absurd characters like Rakishi, who smothered his victims to death with his stinky buttocks. I am not ashamed to admit I was one of the multitudes of middle school boys who watched wrestling. When we weren't salivating over Trish Stratus, we were cheering for The Rock to deliver "the People's Elbow" or for Triple H to employ "the Pedigree." But then high school knocked, and we realized that the other primary audience of wrestling was fat rednecks over the age of 30.Whether or not you think wrestling is lame, the background of these wrestlers is one that has rarely been explored in cinema. The Wrestler is a quiet depiction of the trials and hardships experienced by one man who sacrifices his body just to make people cheer.

NEWS 1/29/09 6:00pm

Taken takes the cake

By Faheem Ahmed

If someone asked me who my favorite action star was, I'd conjure up images of Arnold Schwarzenegger smearing cakes of mud across his chest in Predator, Bruce Willis walking barefoot across broken glass in Die Hard and Keanu Reeves dodging bullets on a rooftop in The Matrix. But Liam Neeson? The dude from Schindler's List and the voice of that goofy lion from Narnia? No way. After watching Taken, however, I was forced to reconsider.Neeson has acted in dramatic films for the majority of his prolific career, with brief stints in the action genre in Batman Begins and Gangs of New York. His last major foray in an action movie dates all the way back to his critically-acclaimed performance in Rob Roy, over 13 years ago. For Neeson, apparently, the wait had been long enough.

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